A study by the Ministry of Health has raised the red flag over effects of Vitamin S deficiency among the general public.
The deficiency of this vitamin whose scientific name is sex-iferol is in such high levels that the government is requesting sexperts from the red-light district of Armsterdam to advice on the way forward. The study raised worrying trends that if not addressed, Vitamin S deficiency will cause more problems than any other deficiency in the country!
The following are some of the findings of the study;
1) Men with serious Vitamin S deficiency were found to be looking at animals suggestively especially goats and chicken. The study reminds all men that obtaining Vitamin S from goats is not wrong. Its simply baaaad.
2) While wives were the main source of Vitamin S in the households, high demand for vitamin S has led to other sources being sort, most popular among the new sources being house-helps.
3) Buying “FAKE” sources of vitamin S is rampant in women especially considering fake Vitamin S sources like dildos and vibrators are in huge demand. Those who cannot afford try alternative foods like bananas, cucumbers and carrots.
4) Smallhouses and one night stands for men and most recently vanaBen Ten for women have been introduced in the food chain by those suffering high deficiency levels.
5) Those who cannot afford the above are found to “LOVE” themselves by using a combination of their hands, magazines like PLAYBOY and cheap sex tapes like that of Tino Katsande in a bid to get a Vitamin S-like feeling.
6) Married people with high vitamin S body requirements were found to be stealing from spouses of neighbors and friends. Some even turn to their own children.
7) The deficiency has also given rise to the birth of more hawkers especially along Herbet Chitepo street and Fife Avenue. These hawkers supply this Vitamin at exorbitant rates currently out of range for the common Wananchi( if we are to borrow Tendai Biti’s catch phrase). The government is urged to set up price control in this area.
8) One proof of this deficiency is that unlike other sources of the other vitamins that are shared among friends and family, people are not willing to share their sources of Vitamin S with other people .
9) Sharing of sources in 8) above has led to escalation of crime including serious physical assault and in some cases suicide, murder or both. Sharing has also led to break up of marriages.
10) The biggest proof of the serious demand of vitamin S is that while parents sometimes even punish children for not taking foods known to have the other vitamins like A, B, C, D and E, any child found by their PARENTS attempting to get Vitamin S is thoroughly punished and told the available VITAMINS are for mum and dad ONLY!
So, are you suffering from the deficiency?